Adoption Books

I will start with an update on where we are in our adoption.  We have the application and fee ready to send.  We have been putting this off because our first priority was paying off our credit card.  That should be done in January or February, and then I can shout that we are debt free!!

Another reason for the delay I can only explain as God.  Even though I'm anxious to have a little baby in our home, I feel like God wants us to move slow, be patient, and enjoy the process.  So although it is on my mind a lot, I also have peace about where we are in the process.

As soon as our credit card is paid off, we will send off our application and await our first interview of our home study.  During that process, I will post lots of details for those of you interested in adopting some day.

During this time, I have started reading adoption books.  I wanted to share with you the first one I have finished.  The first books is called The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely.

                   

I loved this book so much that I read it in 2 days.  All Christians should read this book, even if you don't plan to adopt.  As Jesus has called us in James, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." (James 1:27) And this book about more than adoption, it is about trusting in God.

The author of this book is both an adoptive mother and the founder of an adoption agency and Christian relief ministry.  She takes you through her own journey to adopt.  Jan Beazely started out as a mother or 4 biological children.  Thinking she was finished having children, God spoke to her to tell her to make room for one more. Months turned into years, as she dealt with her own children growing up and her family falling farther from God.  Her oldest daughter was troubled, and all she knew was to run back to God.  As Jan and her husband leaned more on God, they realized that boot camp was what their daughter needed. God used this boot camp to great a great soldier for him.  Their daughter ended up leaving high school, moving to Europe to attend a Bible school, and then became a missionary in Eastern Europe.  Through their daughters work, although very scary at times, they found the child that God had planned for them so long ago.  The story ends happy, but Jan and her family went through many trials.  The most important focus of this book is that God's plans are not always our plans, but they are the best plans!

Santa. Do you believe?

So this is a conversation that happened in my kitchen this week:

Monkey: Boogie, I need to tell you something. (Monkey says this with her teacher voice.  I'm not sure where she got that.)
Monkey: I need to tell you something important.  But you have to promise that you won't tell anyone.  (At this point, Boogie is not the least bit interested in the conversation.)
Monkey: Ok. Santa is not real.  It is just Mommy and Daddy giving us the presents.  But you can't tell ANYONE. Because some kids don't know that and we can't tell them.

OH THE HORROR!! That might be what you are thinking... that I'm in shock, that my 6 year old just told my 3 year old that Santa is not real.

Actually, I thought is was rather funny.  Monkey thought she was giving Boogie some important insider information.  And Boogie didn't really care.

However, there were some unfortunate events two years ago. Monkey was in preschool.  She was newly aware of that fact that Santa wasn't real, I'll explain why later.  And as most preschoolers, she is proud of any information she has and wants to share it with everyone.  I guess we hadn't made it clear to her that most of her friends believe that Santa is real.  So she decided to tell them the truth.  I think the the teacher was mostly able to keep it under control.  However, she also decided to share her information with my best friend's children whom she rode home with.

My best friend was concerned so I had a talk with Monkey that afternoon.  My friend and I thought that maybe if I explained that Santa was based on a real person, that she would quit saying he wasn't real.  After using stories from the internet to explain this to her, she said, "Oh, so Santa was real but now he is dead." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this point.  I had to explain that, yes, St. Nicholas is dead, but he is a little different than the Santa most people believe in.  We discussed him being a made up character similar to those on movies.  But the most important thing was that she doesn't hurt her friends feelings.  Since we love our friends, we don't want to tell them the truth and hurt their feelings.  Also, and this is what made her able to keep quiet, all children will know that Santa is not real as they get older, but it is up to their parents to tell them that.  That is a parents' job, not yours. For some reason that worked for her, and she has kept quiet since.

So now here goes the hard part...I'm going to say some stuff that some people may not like.  Please remember that I am NOT saying that if you do your Christmas differently that you are wrong.  And please don't judge my parenting by the following...

We don't do Santa.  That's it, I said it. When Monkey was three, we decided that Santa as a real person was not going to play a role in our celebration of Christmas. At this age, Monkey didn't understand much until the next Christmas when she was in preschool. We decided that if we wanted our children to focus on anything at Christmas, it would be Jesus.  We want them to believe in a man that loves them, cares deeply about children, cares deeply about them, and wants to bring them a great gift.  That man is Jesus. Second to that is we are very open and honest with our girls.  If we play games, they know they are games. I want them to always trust us, and always know when we are serious and when we are playing.  I think the truth is the best, and I think kids can handle a lot more than we think.

Do I try to protect my girls from bad and scary stuff? Yes! But when they want to know something, I give them an open, honest answer with as much of the information that I think they can handle for their age.

Do we have fun and play pretend? Yes! But when we do, the girls know it is pretend. When it comes to Santa, we still talk about him.  We read stories about him.  Monkey and Boogie both say that they can't wait to see what Santa brings,while often adding that they know it's just us.  I knew who Santa was by first grade. My mom still played Santa until I was a teenager.  We loved every minute of it, and I'm not scarred for my belief being "ruined" at an early age.

So as this Christmas season begins, we are hoping to teach our girls more about Jesus and giving.  As you celebrate or don't celebrate with Santa, I ask for you to remember that God, in all his glory, came to be with us, as a tiny, little baby, who would one day take on all of our sin, so that we may be restored to a right relationship with him.  What an amazing love story!

Common Myths of Domestic Adoption

In this post, I will go into some of the myths that people believe about domestic adoption.  It wasn't until I started to research myself that I realized I was wrong about so many things.

Myth #1: Domestic infant adoptions take years to complete.

In reality, depending on how picky the adoptive family is, domestic infant adoptions can take a few months to 18 months.  The average is usually around 1 year.  This is actually much quicker than an international adoption. International adoptions typically take over a year and sometimes as many as 3-4 years.

Myth #2: Domestic infant adoption is much more expensive than international adoption.

In fact, in most cases it is much cheaper.  The average cost to adopt an infant from the US is $28,000. And 40% of the adoptions fall below $20,000.  International adoption often costs much more than that. An average adoption from China is $30,000, South Korea is $32,000, Ethiopia is $28,000, and Russia is $59,000.

Myth #3: In domestic infant adoptions, birth parents can get their baby back at anytime.

Once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive family is recognized as the child's family by law.  There are short periods after the babies birth that the mother can change her mind.  Each state varies on the length of time.  In Georgia, it is 10 days.

Myth #4: There are no infants available for adoption in the US.

After reading Myth #1, it should become obvious that there are many infants available for adoption.  The current estimated US born newborn adoptions each year is 18,000. Compare that to the approximately 9,000 international adoptions each year.

Myth #5: Birthmothers are typical teen moms.

Birthmothers are actually usually in their twenties and already parenting other children.  They are typically single and struggling.  They are choosing adoption thoughtfully and because they want a better life for their child.

This is only a small selection of the many myths I have heard.  I believed all these except Myth #4.  I am NOT saying Domestic Infant adoption is better than International adoption.  In fact, when we started the adoption process, I thought International was a much better option.  I still think it is a great thing to do.  This post is to hopefully open your eyes to how we often believe what we hear without checking the facts.  And to let you know that Domestic Infant adoption may be much easier than you expected. What have you heard about Domestic Infant Adoption?

Why Domestic Infant Adoption? Part 2

After a healthy infant from Korea was not an option, we started to wonder if God wanted us to consider a child with health problems.  Those problems could range anywhere from a child with a parent who has ADHD to child who is severely disabled.  Yes, unfortunately just as many of the Asian countries want perfect parents, they also want perfect babies.  And where we might say, "What's the problem?" they see an imperfect baby. So they say, imperfect parents, can get the imperfect babies.  Anyone else saddened by that? So these children are called waiting children, because they've been passed over by many adopting couples.  And because of this, if we want to get a waiting child, we can go to any agency in the country.

I picked an agency I loved and started to fill out the application.  And then my heart really started to desire a baby.  Pasture and I had really liked the idea of being beyond that stage and getting a toddler.  But after Korea became so difficult, I really kept coming back to the idea of bringing home a little baby.  Korea, along with many other countries, have lengthened their adoption process so much, that gone are the days of bringing home a child under 1.  Most likely, your child will be close to 2 years old when they come home.  There are exceptions, but you have to be prepared for that.  And as I see my girls growing more and more fond of babies, I can't help but smile as I imagine, Monkey, holding her tiny baby brother for the first time and stroking his hair like I've seen her do before.

Over the next several days, as I feverishly researched every country in the world, I continued to come back to the idea getting a newborn from our own country.  And you may be wondering why I didn't look into domestic adoption at the beginning. It was simply because I believed a lot of the common myths that surround domestic adoptions.  And right now, I have to give my dog a bath, talk with Pasture, and get ready for Monkey's gymnastics!  I will tell you next time about those myths, and the call that settled the decision of where to adopt and which agency to use.

Our Biggest Challenge

I will get back to our adoption story in the next post.  Right now, I want to explain one of the biggest challenges we are going to have.  Adoption is a wonderful thing that begins with a very tough road.  Pasture and I are not in a big hurry to get our baby home, but we would like to do so in the next year or two.  Our agency has told us, that if paperwork and money is turned in on time, it is very possible we will have a new addition by next October.  How amazing is that?

So here is where I ask for your help. Our biggest challenge is money.  Not money to care for the child, because we have that covered. We need money to bring our baby home.  We are doing what we can by trying to get that money through loans, grants, birthday and Christmas gifts, savings, and credit.  But it is going to take awhile to get the $30,000 or more that we need.

So I'm asking for help.  I hate doing it.  I feel like an annoying sales person knocking on your door or calling you during dinner.  But this is more than buying a vacuum or giving to help a puppy get surgery. This is a baby.  And not just any baby, a baby that needs a home.  This is a baby that needs a mother and a father.  Please pray and consider if you can help. If you look on the right side of this blog you can find several ways to help.  Two of those ways, you get something.  And the benefit is you are helping a baby get a loving home.  I will soon be adding a way you can support us when you buy from Amazon.

Thank you for reading this far.  Thank you for any support you can give us.  And thank you to all the family and friends that give us an abundance of emotional and spiritual support (along with lots of stuff for the baby!).

Below you will see an explanation of the costs involved in a domestic infant adoption.

Application Fee $250
We have already paid this fee, submitted our application, and been approved.

Registration Fee $200
We must get this paid to continue the process, but we are having to wait until next month when we will have the money in our budget.

Agency Consulting Fee $2,500
This is the second fee that is due right now.  We are waiting for either the approval of a loan or raising money through donations, Mary Kay sales, and gift card sales.

Homestudy Fee $1,500
$1000 of this will be due very soon when we are ready to get our Homestudy started.  The last $500 is due before our third interview.

Program Fee $15,500
This is the biggest fee we will have.  This is the lowest the fee will be.  Depending out which agency the birthmother is using, the fee could be up $35,000 or more.  Half of this due when we are matched with a birth mother, which will probably be in 6 months to a year after our Homestudy is complete.   The other half is due 2 weeks before we bring the baby home.

Legal Fees $4,500
We will pay around $2,000 for termination of the birthparents' parental rights and around $2,500 for adoption finalization.

Other Expenses $3,000-$3,500
We are also responsible for the birthmother's expenses.  This may cover stipends for food, housing, transportation, and medical treatments.

Why Domestic Infant Adoption? Part 1

Our adoption journey started not long ago with the decision to get a baby boy from South Korea.  Pasture and I had talked about this off and on for many years.  Now that the girls are getting older and more independent, we decided to investigate it.

Oh my! Was I in for a big surprise.  I guess I kind of thought you went to one adoption agency, did a bunch of paperwork and a home study, and eventually went and got your baby.  I don't think I was delusional about the amount of time and effort involved in the actual process.  What I was very surprised about was the amount of research you have to do before even picking a country or an agency.  There is so much to learn and every country is different and every agency is different.

What I found out very quickly is that South Korea has some very difficult rules.  You can't just go to an agency, or an agency that works with SK for that matter.  Only 3 agencies in the country are allowed to place child in Georgia homes.  Bethany (as I'm sure most of you have heard of) was our first choice.  I contacted them.  Nope! They have shut down their healthy infant adoptions for now as some new laws in SK get worked out.  The only children available have severe health issues.  So I tried the 2nd agency. Nope! Under no circumstances will the agency they work with in SK allow parents to have ever taken psychotropic drugs, which means medicines for anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.  And unfortunately I am taking paxil and have off and on for about 12 years.  I called the 3rd agency.  Nope! They work with the same SK agency and say no to drugs!  By the way, a lot of them say no to counseling too.  They want "normal" parents or those that haven't admitted they are crazy yet.


At this point, I was devastated.  I felt like our dreams were ruined.  I wondered if God was saying, "You have enough kids!" Not really, but I did wonder if God was saying no to adoption because I do ask him to guide my steps. And when doors are closed that sometimes means "No."

After much thinking about why we wanted to adopt, (Did we just like the idea of a cute little Asian kid?) and much prayer about what to do, we decided adoption was still in our future.  But you do have to admit, this is an irresistibly cute face.

Stay tuned for more of the story...

New blog...what's the meaning of the title?

Some of you will know the answer right away.  The title simply is because of a question Pasture always asks the girls.  Watch this....

And that is where the title came from!! In case you're wondering about the beard part, Boogie made that up herself.  Her daddy does something really special when she is hurt. He rubs his beard (or what he has of one) on the boo-boo for her.  I love that Pasture has special things he does with the girls.  Boogie loves this so much that she told me one day, "When I get married, my husband has to have a beard, so he can heal my boo-boos just like Daddy." So what must a future husband have? A Bible, a job, and a beard.  Hopefully our future son will someday have those as well. (I'd be okay without the beard though.)